Dealing With Depression

Hey my Loves !

Todays post as you can see is about depression , this is something I find hard to talk about with anybody as these are just my own thoughts, experiences & feelings.

I'm going to try and be as raw as possible on what its like to be a single mum battling with depression on a day to day basis.

Now depression for me is not just one thing, its not just 'feeling down' for me its feeling down , being happy , feeling over/underwhelmed , the list goes on.
Its not just how I'm feeling that day , its what's happened that day etc.
Most people can just deal with having a bad day and say 'Ok F it tomorrows a new day' , but for me or maybe someone like me that way of thinking just seems so hard to do.

Its hard to do because you think what's the point in hoping for a better tomorrow when this is your tomorrow (or so you think). You feel like nothing is going to get better nothing is going to turn around and give you that boost that you so badly need. Life in general is a shit fest !!

Now I will be honest when I first heard people talking about depression I really did think 'oh shut up you're having a bad day , you'll go home have some food have a bath and be fine' and for some people dont get me wrong that may well be all they need to get day by day but for others its a lot more complicated then having a hot bath and 'soaking your troubles away'.

Me personally I didn't know what I needed I was broken a shell of the person I used to be I got so used to living in that environment and atmosphere that, that was all I knew and although it killed a bit of me everyday I thought what was the point. It got to the point where I was just existing for my children they need me , they loved me.

I just didn't know where to turn everyday was a struggle , having depression and not seeking any form of help was affecting my ability to be a good mum, I didn't want to sit with the kids and play games or read with them because I just felt like a waste of space and that someone else could do a much better job and that they would be happier , being with the kids became a struggle because I knew I had too I just wasn't enjoying it but had to seem like I was , it wasn't the kids fault I felt like this so I damn sure was going to make sure that they didn't see me being down because of my low mood.

I only realized that I needed to seek help from a professional when my son started to constantly ask me if I was ok , I made sure he never seen me cry or be upset I may have been distant but I always 'put on the mum face' and pretending I was fine , and I thought enough is enough.

Where do I go ? Who do I tell ? What are people going to think? Will people believe me ?
Am I just overreacting? Is their actually anything wrong with me ?
These questions and more plagued me !

Where did I go : There are lots of places you can go the obvious one being the GP , your doctors can advise you on mainly anything and also if they feel they cannot can point you in the right direction. If you are like me and didn't want to go there first I went to see the family liaison officer at my children's school they were there to offer advice and to give support to families if needed so I tried them.

That day walking into that office was the most heart-breaking and liberating thing I have ever done in my life! I cried and screamed I shouted and laughed but I got it all out in one sitting and I can remember just sitting there after I had finished and I just felt numb but in the nicest way possible.

After that things moved pretty quickly in terms of receiving help from the doctors , talking to people etc , I felt like I no longer had to live with it and if I felt like I was slipping I know have someone on the other side of the phone ready to listen.

2 Years after receiving initial help I'm feeling good ! I'm happy most days , my kids are happy , we have routines and support networks and we are doing okay !! Do we have our shitty days ? Yes we do but have our methods on dealing with them when they arise.

Now I do hope this looooong post has helped someone / anyone to realize its okay to not be okay and although it might pain you to do so sometimes talking really does help !

thanks for reading my loves see you in my next post xoxo